A little background first, Details magazine is like arsenic to women: danger, do not consume for fear of illness or death. This is a magazine that has an entire section called porn and perversions and nearly every article I read has a distinct *facepalm* moment. In one article on anal sex (more on that later) they say something along the lines of, we don’t want to hurt women. We just want them to offer to let us hurt them. That’s true intimacy. And then proceeded to call them disgusting pigs. In other words Details magazine hates women even more than AskMen.com.
This time I’ve stumbled across an article mocking implants. Actually, that’s not true. This article is mocking women. While I think that breast implants are boob napalm, it’s funny that a magazine that is practically a porn ad would write an article called “Enough already with the fake tits” by Tony Hendra. On the one hand, it would be great if a men’s magazine would try to put something out about how women are beautiful as is and don’t need surgery, waxes, or make-up to look great. But that’s not what this article is about. The article serves one purpose; to make women feel like no matter what they do, their boobs, whether fake or real, will never be good enough. The man writing the article even goes so far as to call himself a feminist, then in the same paragraph uses slut as a synonym for woman. He then makes a weak attempt to claim that women don’t get fake boobs for men, they do it for their own insecurities. Insecurities about their appearance that could never come from men apparently. Hilariously, the photo on the front page is a woman rubbing her dripping wet enormous fake breasts. I bet that just turns men right off (not).
Let’s think about this for a minute. Just two clicks away we find scads of articles extolling the virtues of porn, where silicone implants reign supreme. We find these hoards of men who worship the male playground that is porn. We basically find all these men, bowing down and wanking to the silicone, plastic, goddess of porn. Maybe he’s wanked himself silly with too much silicone enhanced porn. Can he really not see the hypocrisy of telling women that no man wants implants, while picking the 32DDD cup size as the masturbatory aid of choice? On the very same page he claims that women only do this for themselves, he proceeds to mock “Insect Brain” (his choice of words for Heidi Montag) not only for her plastic surgery choices, but for her reasons behind the decision. These reasons are that people made fun of her flat chest and called her ugly. Apparently to Tony this is funny. These are the same insults most woman have endured at some point in middle or high school, and probably cried over at some point. He then proceeds to mock women’s intelligence based on breast size, “From what little I know of intimate female discourse, the owners of uber-boobs are assumed to be–how do I put this delicately?–morons. The thinking seems to be that even God-given 38Ds [sic] were fashioned at the expense of cerebro-cortical mass; wit and tit are inversely proportional.” In the same paragraph he throws out this gem: “She did it for herself, okay? For her own self-esteem. It had nothing to do with Spencer or the Mean Boys or that slut Lauren (who, incidentally, hasn’t yet gone under the knife and boosted her acne bumps into something worth ogling).” So while he spends this whole article talking about how plastic boobs suck, how much he’s a feminist, he finishes by calling a woman a slut and then proceeds to call her perfectly lovely breasts acne bumps and insinuates they’re so small they aren’t worth ogling. While insinuating that she should in fact get plastic surgery to fix those ugly cysts on her chest (which again, are perfectly normal breasts). And then spends the rest of the article insisting boob implants are not to please men, they are from women’s insecurities. Which again have nothing whatsoever to do with men. After calling a perfectly nice natural pair zits not worth looking at. And hinting that she should get plastic surgery. What? Seriously, what? *facepalm*
He attempts to redeem himself (I think) with this line, “Once you get past the pseudo-feminist claptrap, women who boost their boobs don’t seem a whole lot different than [sheep]. Heidi, et al., are the real boobs, obediently conforming to some caricature of beauty fantasized by traveling-salesmen types. Face it, O lovely woman: That shiny new bosom was fashioned by, and for, men. And you will wear it in public as long as men approve. You could say uber-boobs are Western Civ’s equivalent of…a burka.” First off, what the eff is a pseudo-feminist? Second off, apparently women trying to fit in with this pornified world that worships and rewards an unattainable beauty ideal are sheep (and stupid). Then finishes with something along the lines of, men love to look at huge boobs so because we don’t really care about how you feel, we make you feel bad until you go out and risk your life to fit our ideals. Which we will then mock and ridicule because you’re stupid. And also hate because they feel like crap. Oh and it won’t change any time soon, so deal. I could get in line with this whole comparing plastic surgery to burkas, but the tone is not that burkas are bad, it’s a tone of well, this is the global ideal and it’s not changing. I also agree that boob implants are conforming to a caricature of femininity, but he says as an insult to women “stupid enough” to do this. Not as a serious critique of culture. It’s basically a, “my god, women are so stupid!” thing. It makes no attempts to think deep and figure out if maybe this is societal pressures, and not just “insect brains.” If this article is how all men think, I think as women we’re just stuck in terms of how we’re viewed. If we have natural boobs, they’re too ugly to look at (zits apparently). If we cave in and get implants, we’ll get leered at and sexed, but no one will want to be with us because now we’re stupid sheep and our boobs feel awful. We can’t win.
This article makes my whole brain want to explode. What I gather from the article is that his only problem with implants are that they are not as nice to touch, but they’re certainly great to look at. Meaning he likes his wife to keep her “acne bumps” that aren’t really worth looking at, and will satisfy his desire for “uber-boobs” with tons and tons of porn. And according to him, any woman who gets implants has low self-esteem having nothing whatsoever to do with pleasing men. Where this giant leap of insanity came from I have no idea. Then again, we shouldn’t expect much more from a self-proclaimed feminist who uses slut as a synonym for woman. Except in cases where the woman had to have hers removed for some reason, the only, and I repeat only reason a woman would even get the idea to slice herself open and shove dangerous balloons in, is to please men. And the ONLY reason Heidi Montag (who coincidentally is the best model for what happens to women in this pornified culture) had low self-esteem was because she thought men didn’t think she was hot. And the only reason a woman would risk her life to achieve this extreme level of porn “hotness” is because we have been brainwashed into thinking hotness is the only quality worth having. And who put this idea in our heads? One guess, and it wasn’t other women. So next time a man wants to tell women they don’t need implants or try to question women’s motivations for filling themselves with plastic, maybe he should turn off the porn and smell the saline.