Just another college girl fightin' the patriarchy

A quote from a guy about how he justifies his porn use:
“I’m a married man. My wife doesn’t like it when I watch porn and wank off, so I try not to do it in front of her. There is nothing wrong with her being annoyed or turned off by me looking at other women; it’s a sign of a normal woman with some jealousy. A woman doesn’t want her man looking at other women; a healthy relationship has to have a bit of jealousy, it’s a sign of attachment. No attachment is not a biologically healthy relationship and it’s not likely to last. Men wank. Women whine. This is the natural order of things.” (from poster blah, May 27, 2010, lemondrop.com)
In nearly every pro-porn/anti-porn debate, the argument that porn is nothing but a harmless masturbatory aid comes up. Usually this argument comes up when a woman has a partner who uses porn, and she feels hurt, insecure, out-competed, etc.. Then on top of a collection of other bogus arguments (I’ll address those later) the word harmless is almost always thrown in there. It’s a harmless release, a harmless habit, a harmless way to prevent harmful things (like cheating). But what are these feelings and thoughts they are responding to if not harm? When a woman expresses how she’s in fact harmed by pornography, why is there a rush of people to tell her how harmless it is? It’s a little like telling a woman sprawled in the middle of the street that she did not actually get hit a bus, it was all in her head.
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One of the biggest oddities of this so-called harmless habit is the secrecy surrounding it. If there is nothing wrong with masturbating to porn, then there should be no reason to hide it, especially from your partner. In one survey, 70% of male porn users admitted to lying about their porn habits to a partner. And judging by the hundreds of thousands of online posts, forums, and support groups for partners of porn users on the net, that number probably isn’t too far off. When questioned further, the majority of these men say they lie to avoid the “wrath” of the women. To avoid a fall-out. To spare her feelings. They say they don’t want to start a huge fight over something so small and harmless and it’s just avoiding a pointless argument. Wait, wait, what? Am I missing something? If this was so harmless, wouldn’t there be no wrath, no fighting, no crying? Do these men really feel so entitled that they feel like they have the right to decide what is or isn’t causing another person harm? Here are not only the women, but also the men talking about the harm porn has, especially on the woman. But the response is, well it’s clearly harmful, I know it’s hurting her, but it can’t possibly be harmful if I pretend it isn’t. So I’ll lie. Some men even go so far as to say that their partner makes them lie, that it’s not their fault their partner can’t get over it and stop feeling hurt. All this does is trap the woman. Pretend to be OK with porn and shut up, or her partner will lie. When told examples of men sneaking out of bed and hiding in the bathroom to look at porn, one male poster had this to say,
“And in EACH and EVERY case stated above the problem IS THE WOMAN! Those “girlfriends” and “wives” with so-called conservative (what I call BRAINWASHED) views are forcing those men to hide when doing something that is NOT wrong and even quite NORMAL!!!” (from poster Predrag Stojadinovic, May 11, 2009, artofmanliness.com)
The almost funny part of this is, that even when the woman herself watches porn, even when the woman tells the man it’s OK with her, it rarely changes whether or not he’s going to lie about it. So clearly it’s not just the women’s “hysteria” that’s “making” him lie. The one thing you almost never hear? Avoiding the whole thing and just stopping.
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Countless women talk about how low their self-esteem is as a result of a porn using partner, but most continue to live with it. Here is one quote from a woman about the impact of accepting porn into her life,
“My bf looks at porn almost everyday and in the beginning that really made me loose [sic] confidence in myself… Now I just have so little left that I try not to let it bother me…eventhough [sic] it really does.” (from poster waytoodown, May 27, 2005, enotalone.com)
While this seems a sad extreme, there are countless strikingly similar posts about women sacrificing their own self-confidence and self-esteem in order to put up with a partner’s porn use and unwillingness and change, or even compromise. Obviously, the woman could leave. This isn’t her only option. Or is it?
“Get over yourself bitch, as long as you’re the only girl he’s fucking let him wack off once a day….” (from poster sessions, May 27, 2010, lemondrop.com)
The vast majority of men nowadays use porn. The numbers are somewhere around 75% of all men use porn at least once a month (according to the Kinsey Institute, and other various online or offline polls) and those numbers don’t change according to whether or not the man is in a relationship. And seeing as the majority of those lie about it at least to some extent , many women literally have no choice anymore in the matter. The options are accept porn use, or be alone. The odds of finding one who will give up porn or just doesn’t use it are quite small, and the odds of being compatible in all other areas on top of this, of making it work based on everything else are staggeringly small. The men who use porn know this, sometimes going so far as to laugh at them and mock them for even trying. Many even try to blame the woman, claiming she’s gotten too fat, less adventurous in bed, uglier, etc…
“Maybe if his wife hadn’t turned into Jabba the Hutt when she had their baby, and she wasn’t a frigid corpse in bed, he would be more interested in her and less interested in porn.” (from poster Durr Hurr, May 27, 2010)
Is it really that all these women are “frigid corpses in bed” or that they’re all really so fat and ugly? Or has porn somehow changed the way men view women? To be continued…
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Comments on: "If porn is so harmless, why are so many harmed? (part 1)" (11)

  1. so many women respond with a visceral, guttural “NO” even if they never say it, when they see porn, or know that their partners are using porn. this response is so common that its expected: when a woman “likes” porn, she gets her own cheering section, for being so kewl. and men are right there (and now fun-fems are too) to mansplain to women who respond “NO” to porn, why their response is incorrect, and why they shouldnt feel that way. even though they do.

    but its so clearly the case that women who respond “NO” are doing so from a shared perspective, as women. because rape and PIV look so much the same. because both cause pregnancy. because women and our organs are more than just fuckholes, for men. because we KNOW, we absolutely KNOW that theres something seriously wrong with porn (even if we cant articulate why) and that therefore there is something seriously wrong with our male partners, if they use porn. and we are very much tied to the idea that our men are really good men, that we can depend on them, that they understand that we are human and that they understand that women as a class are human beings too.

    whats the first thing that would come into your mind, if you were to realize that you are economically and emotionally dependant on a man who believes that womens and womens vaginas are just fuckholes, for men? and that women arent human?

    NO.

  2. I would rather be alone than date a porn user who refused to quit, I would be too angry and disgusted. Especially since porn is used in rapes like in Cambodia where there is an increase in gang rapes on prostitutes because the men consume pornography. Even the rapists admit it.

  3. Individually, porn is remote Peeping Tom-ism. Collectively, porn is documentary evidence of men’s power over women. People look at (hetero) porn for the women (nobody denies this), and women are in porn because of men’s money or men’s attention/”love”.

    Men would have us believe that porn is surrogate sex. It’s not. There is nothing creepy about sex, yet when men around me are looking at porn, it feels creepy and I feel violated. I start to remember the men I’ve caught looking in bedroom windows, the propositions and gropings I’ve endured just going about my daily business and how as an adolescent I had no respite anywhere from men staring at my breasts. That’s what porn is, the never-ending violation of women.

  4. “That’s what porn is, the never-ending violation of women.”
    Yes.

    Factcheckme:
    I hear so many women chanting their mantras of how it really doesn’t bother them (protest too much?) often after saying how at first it really hurt with a but they learned to live with it, learned to deal with it, etc… How healthy. I even read a woman ranting on and on angrily about all these prude women who had problems with porn, and how she was grateful for her husband’s porn use since it kept him at home. Then went into a long sob story about how he was browsing Craig’s List personals.

  5. A Shropshire Lad said:

    Men are ashamed of their porn use because it makes them appear like little immature boys instead of mature men who do satisfy and are satisfied by and with the woman with whom they share a bed.

    How do feminists view men who watch porn featuring females as dominatrixes?

    • I never mentioned BDSM in this post, that is a completely separate issue for another post. What do female dominatrixes have to do with relationships being harmed by porn use?

      And they should be embarrassed by their porn use. That they are so unimaginative that they are incapable of becoming aroused without a corporate product to help them. They should be embarrassed that they need to contribute to the trafficking of women to get boners. They should be embarrassed that they enjoy degrading and humiliating women.

      • A Shropshire Lad said:

        I look forward to your post about BDSM. Many men are turned on by the enormous (psycho-sexual) power women hold over them.

        I agree those are all good reasons to be ashamed. (Again, some men will get off on this shame!)

  6. NinjaGeek said:

    I am amused again by this double standard.
    Women fantasize mentally, they read book about romance and fantasize and watch movies about romance and fantasize. They get false ideals about men and they expect media created unrealistic ideas about how a partner should be. This is female porn, because this is how females fantasize.

    Men are visual creatures. We love the look of a female, we love the visual act of sex. We fantasize using these visual aids. It is entertainment. This is our porn because this is how we fantasize.

    Hurt and insecurity, etc.. can be stated either way. But a female reading a romance novel is “harmless” as well. Even though a male can in NO way live up to the false expectations. But it’s a harmless fantasy right? Even though it leads women to be unhappy with her partner’s lack of romance and causes cheating because women are striving to find the “romance” she so badly desires.
    Also, it is very much “OK” for a female to fawn over men and have no consequence.
    A female can have a “crush” on David Bechem and put a poster in her office of him topless and fantasize about him (and even masterbate when she wants to whatever or whoever her fantasy allows) and that is completely acceptable, but a male watching something that is visual stimulating to him or fantasizing is dirty and wrong because of the social shaming put on it.

    Men don’t hid pron from their partner because they think it is wrong (because it isn’t), they hid it because they are shamed into feeling like pigs for having fantasies by their partner and society. Wrath happens because women like control and when it’s something they do, it’s OK. But when it’s something their partner is getting enjoyment from, it becomes a thing of wrath.

    A female who says her partner should give up porn, should think about what she’s requesting. If a male asked you to give up your “chick flicks”, your romance novels, your fantasies about whomever your lay and masturbate about when it isn’t your partner. If a female had to give up her ability to have her sexual freedom of fantasy, there would be a blog created by a feminist just to attack the men who suggested it.

    • I am amused again by this double standard.

      What double standard? No one besides you has said anything about romance novels or “chick flicks”.

      They get false ideals about men and they expect media created unrealistic ideas about how a partner should be.

      Men are portrayed unrealistically. Romance novels and movies also tend to perpetuate gender stereotypes, such as the idea that women are passive and that women need romantic partners to be “complete”.

      This is female porn, because this is how females fantasize.

      Actually, it’s not. Females are not a homogeneous group, and many women are turned off by romance fiction and movies.

      Men are visual creatures.

      As are women.

      It is entertainment.

      Entertainment doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It is informed by the cultural values of the society that creates it.

      This is our porn because this is how we fantasize.

      Men are not a homogeneous group, either.

      Even though it leads women to be unhappy with her partner’s lack of romance and causes cheating because women are striving to find the “romance” she so badly desires.

      I’m no advocate for romance novels, but I’m also not aware of them “causing” cheating and find that they tend to discourage “striving” of all kinds.

      A female can have a “crush” on David Bechem and put a poster in her office of him topless and fantasize about him (and even masterbate when she wants to whatever or whoever her fantasy allows) and that is completely acceptable

      First, note that this is an example of women being visual creatures. Second, I don’t imagine many women over the age of 15 have pictures of David Beckham in their offices, and it seems likely that they would be made fun of if they did.

      but a male watching something that is visual stimulating to him or fantasizing is dirty and wrong because of the social shaming put on it.

      Social shaming? Nearly the entirety of Western media/entertainment is devoted to visually and aurally stimulating men.

      Men don’t hid pron from their partner because they think it is wrong (because it isn’t), they hid it because they are shamed into feeling like pigs for having fantasies by their partner and society

      In my experience, men usually don’t share their fantasies with their partners, so there was never any opportunity to be shamed for their fantasies. Also, porn and fantasies are not the same thing.

      Wrath happens because women like control and when it’s something they do, it’s OK. But when it’s something their partner is getting enjoyment from, it becomes a thing of wrath.

      Seriously?

      A female who says her partner should give up porn, should think about what she’s requesting. If a male asked you to give up your “chick flicks”, your romance novels, your fantasies about whomever your lay and masturbate about when it isn’t your partner.

      Easy peasy, since I don’t watch “chick flicks” and I don’t read romance novels. And again, porn and fantasy are not the same thing.

      If a female had to give up her ability to have her sexual freedom of fantasy, there would be a blog created by a feminist just to attack the men who suggested it.

      And once again, porn and fantasy are not the same thing. Why is that so difficult to understand?

  7. NinjaGeek said:

    Typical… My comment makes sense and therefore does not get posted because you don’t actually want open conversation, you want the typical one sided, close-minded programming of idiotic minds. I have copied and re-posted all the wrong speak posts and the comments I made which prove your arguments wrong everywhere else on the web, so whatever.

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