Just another college girl fightin' the patriarchy

Rape is not a misunderstanding. It has nothing to do with miscommunication. Rape would not be avoided if women spoke more clearly. Popular books would have us believe men and women simply speak different languages, and that oppression and rape would go away if we could all just speak the same language. Correction: they say rape would go away if women would learn to speak like men, as it is the only politically correct way of speaking. This is not the case. I know this because men as a whole are not stupid. To say that men rape because of a misunderstanding is to say men are stupid or socially inept. They are not.

The argument made by rape-apologists and MRAs is frequently this: most supposed rapists do not rape, most women simply do not speak clearly enough. Men are unable to interpret women’s complicated signals, and presume that if she didn’t want to be raped, she would say so. The argument is also that women enjoy being pursued and frequently put up a fight in order to make men chase them. Thus, no does not mean no. One MRA had this to say:

[Men] will have to ignore … “no” signals in some situations. It’s impossible to tell if she means them, or if she enjoys the attention and just wants you to try harder!

This is completely insane. The argument is frequently that women simply need to speak clearer, and that if we did, rape wouldn’t occur. But here we are being told that even when we say no, it can be interpreted as yes. Furthermore, he’s saying that men are not in fact so stupid and thick as to be unable to read no signals. They hear them/see them, they just choose to ignore them because ignoring them gives them the greatest chance of getting laid.

Rape is not the removal of consent, but the absence of consent. Legally if a woman has to express that she does not consent in order for it to be rape, it allows any woman who is unable to speak (coma victims, unconscious women, mute women, etc…) to legally be raped at any time. This is not the case, so why is it different if the woman is conscious?

Take for instance, a case study from The Guardian where a woman in a man’s dorm room continuously said she was tired and wanted to sleep. When the man became more aggressive, she lay down and pretended to sleep. He interpreted this as consent for sex, and had sex with her. She became so frightened for her safety that she continued to pretend she was asleep so as not to aggravate him and be hurt more severely. When she reported this, it was chalked up to bad communication and more or less dismissed. Why didn’t she yell no? Why didn’t she scream and thrash and kick and bite? He obviously would have stopped, right?

It is illegal to “have sex” with someone while they sleep. They are not in a state to consent, legally. No one would consider falling asleep to be enthusiasm, enjoyment, or anything of the sort. How could lying there sleeping signal anything but “Get the fuck off me?” That was rhetorical since the only person who would have sex with a sleeping person is a rapist. As women we are taught not to confront people, and especially to not confront men. Women are even frequently taught not to be so confrontational as to make direct eye contact with men, let alone to forcefully “reject” an already aggressive man. The media reinforces this, with frequent stories warning women about ex-boyfriends who stalk, murder, etc… Warning women that if they don’t let men down gently enough, they may be hurt, even murdered. The odds of this are significantly higher when he’s already violent, it makes absolutely no sense to encourage women to further aggravate her attacker just to make prosecution easier. It’s completely insane.

And here’s where the real problem is. It’s all down to her lack of communication, not his. There is constant questioning of why she didn’t say no loud enough, or fight hard enough, or try harder to communicate. There is never, ever, ever, ever, ever, in a million years, in any rape trial ever on the face of the planet, questioning of why he didn’t try harder to get clearer communication. If there was any sort of ambiguity, which the MRAs and rape-apologists claim is justification to rape, then why isn’t the onus on him to clear away the ambiguity? Why is it her job to make sure rape doesn’t happen, rather than his job to ensure he doesn’t rape anyone? To claim it is her responsibility to make sure there is no ambiguity, that it is her responsibility to make sure he doesn’t interpret her no or lack of enthusiasm as a yes, is to treat men like incompetent children with no capacity to make their own decisions. It treats men as some kind of animal, incapable of interacting in any way with women.

If men want to stop being accused of raping women, then they need to stop raping them. If men are worried about going to jail over miscommunication, then they need to take responsibility for themselves and get their own clarification. If this supposed miscommunication has such terrible dire results for them, then they should take the lead for their own problems and just get the consent. It’s not that hard to just say, “Do you actually want to do this?” “Do you want to have sex?” “May I stick my penis inside you, please?” I guarantee you that if the law was that women would have to consent to sex in order for it not to be rape, the number of rapes would still stay the same. It’s not as though men are some unstoppable train of libido. It doesn’t really matter if they really, really, really want to get laid. That doesn’t excuse being deliberately oblivious to her lack of enthusiasm, it just further shows that he did in fact rape her.

Not only is miscommunication not a justification to rape, it is further proof that he in fact raped someone. It is not illegal to be mute or to remain quiet or to remain calm and not respond physically. It is, however, a crime to have sex with someone against their will. Claiming she did not communicate her intentions clearer simply shows how blatant his disregard for her well-being is that he couldn’t be bothered to ask her if she wanted sex. At the very least it proves he didn’t care about her wants and desires during the encounter, he only cared about fucking someone at all costs. If he wanted to have sex, her wants and desires would matter at least enough to ensure sex was acceptable if not enjoyable. If he wanted to rape, her wants or desires, especially whether or not she wanted sex not only wouldn’t matter, but would hinder his ability to fuck women without any sort of barrier. Again, it is not her job to ensure he does commit a crime. It is his job to worry about his wellbeing, rather than the wellbeing of his dick.

But men won’t change this, and they would never advocate for this. Men don’t want to have to ask for consent not because it’s difficult, not because it’s inconvenient, not because it’s too complicated, but because they know women would say no more (I use the term “say no” since anything but a clear yes would be considered equal to a clear no). It would hinder their access to “sex” with women, regardless of whether she wants it. So by forcing women to go against all other social conditioning and to risk that their rapist has a bad temper and will kill or otherwise hurt them for being blunt, they allow themselves further access to use women against their will. MRAs and rape apologists know the law is in their favor. They relish the fact that miscommunication is a well-accepted excuse. This is a sampling of how they feel about the issue of non-violent rape (anything in brackets [] is what is said in the rest of the response these were taken from, nothing was added for effect or exaggerated):

The true meaning of rape is to use physical force or threat to have sex. If a woman is persuaded to have sex by a man who’s playing mind games with her (which she herself should be good at), then it’s not rape.

If a guy is getting mixed signals and sex happens I don’t think he should be charged.  I mean, guys and gals both send mixed signals, and if sex occurs that’s not “forcing” someone, it’s mixed signals.

To say that “she hints, looks worried…” is equivilent to a single “No” is like saying that bondage is tying someone up with spiderwebs.  It’s just not strong enough.

If your in that situation [of “having sex” against your will], you must have done something to say/indicate “This is ok”.  … at some point you let him into your room(s), onto your couch. Communication is the first part of the problem.

Rape is not rape … if the female in question is in the postion to say “No” … and does not do so.

So the problem is not that the girl consents, she never consents —- she just somehow omits to say no. … if that’s all it is, it isn’t rape: it’s him scoring and her losing, that’s all.

Give out misleading “signals”, and never state your mind?  Be prepared to be misunderstood [raped].

It boils down to this. Claiming rape is a problem with communication, 100% on the woman’s end, allows men the legal ability to bully, badger, and coerce women into sex fully against her will. It takes all blame for the rape off the man, places it squarely on the woman, and in some instances even attempts to gather sympathy for the rapist, who’s being attacked by the mean, predatory, slut.

One would have to be a complete moron (or a rapist) completely inept at all social communication to honestly believe rape is a problem with communication. If it truly was simply miscommunication, men would be clearer in their intentions. It is never up to the victim to prevent men from raping them, it always up to the rapist to not rape someone. As I said before, just like with a robbery, no one would argue that the shopkeeper didn’t make it clear enough that he didn’t want his money stolen. No one would argue that the person who had his house broken into didn’t make it clear enough that he didn’t want his house broken into. If the would-be burglar honestly thought the shopkeeper wanted to give him his money, he would have asked. He knows that the shopkeeper doesn’t, so he steals. If the burglar honestly thought that the homeowner would let him into his house, he would ring the doorbell and ask first. He knows the homeowner will say no, so he breaks in. If the rapist thought the woman wanted sex, he would ask. But he deep down thinks or knows that she will deny him though, so he rapes. Only in this case, the law doesn’t challenge him since they support his need to “score.”

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Comments on: "Rape Series Part 1: Rape is not Miscommunication" (51)

  1. A Shropshire Lad said:

    Great post. But I think the mugging metaphore is better than the burglary/shop-robbery one. Because people have sex voluntarily and give out money from their wallets voluntarily but still sometimes claim they have been raped / mugged.

  2. A Shropshire Lad said:

    Since evo-psych is BS and evolution is all about adapting to changing circumstances, here is the mansplainers tongue-in-cheek advice to womyn (who never ever are responsible if they are raped, of course) about how to not get raped / have sex with me:

    – If you think all men are possible rapists, become celibate or a lesbian.

    – If you just want to avoid all men who might have raped somebody, have gotten away with it and think it’s OK, only date virgins.

    How the hell are you to know if a man is a virgin? Well, men have honed the skills to determine if a woman was a virgin or not through thousands of years of patriarchy, so I’m sure you girls can come up with some equally arbitrary criteria if you stick your heads together. And of course: Gossip with your girlfriends! Is he the dirty duvet who’s been on top of all the neighbourhood? A hard slut? Euwh, next please!

    – Never have sex with a man you can’t overpower! Big hunk? Run! Puny little dork? Mmm, now we’re talking.

    – Always have sex in public where people can hear you and rush to your aid if you yell “Stop, you bastard!”

    – Only engage in threesomes with one extra female feminist or with two guys who hate each others’ guts and would be just too happy to testify against each other in a rape trial.

    – Get on top and ride him like a cowgirl. Don’t let him pin you down in the missionary untill you know he is a sweet guy you can introduce to your parents.

    And if it’s not sound anti-rape advice, it sure can spice up everybody’s sex life!

    • – If you think all men are possible rapists, become celibate or a lesbian.

      lesbians get raped by men too dumb arse. i am one of them. and yeah, celibacy is TOTALLY going to work if a male decides he wants to fuck you.

      – If you just want to avoid all men who might have raped somebody, have gotten away with it and think it’s OK, only date virgins.

      No. Dating a virgin is not going to change anything, btw, virginity is a fucking state of mind, like never having been stoned or drunk before. it’s not a state of physical being. also, just because they haven’t fucked doesn’t mean they haven’t absorbed the fucked up facets of the “YAY RAPE” culture we live in.

      Gossip with your girlfriends! Is he the dirty duvet who’s been on top of all the neighbourhood? A hard slut? Euwh, next please!

      dude, fuck off, “gossip” is one of the most sexist things you can say about womyn-womyn discussion.

      – Never have sex with a man you can’t overpower! Big hunk? Run! Puny little dork? Mmm, now we’re talking

      Yes because all men who are skinny and runty as fuck are going to be SO much easier to overpower like when you’re afraid for you life.

      – Always have sex in public where people can hear you and rush to your aid if you yell “Stop, you bastard!”

      Here’s a hint. people DO NOT rush to your help if you are raped in public. i know this for a fact. also, you run the risk of triggering other survivors with ptsd with your bullshit public fucking.

      – Only engage in threesomes with one extra female feminist or with two guys who hate each others’ guts and would be just too happy to testify against each other in a rape trial.

      what the fuck does that even mean? do you really think that two womyns words are going to be taken seriously in a rape trial? rape trials don’t take womyn seriously. period.

      – Get on top and ride him like a cowgirl. Don’t let him pin you down in the missionary untill you know he is a sweet guy you can introduce to your parents.

      because sweet guys who you can introduce to your parents NEVER EVER RAPE ANYONE EVER. bull fucking shit. “positions” do not matter. you can be raped if you are on top just the same as you can be raped “from behind” or “in missionary”

      holy fuck your comments piss me the fuck off.

      • A Shropshire Lad said:

        lesbians get raped by men too dumb arse. i am one of them. and yeah, celibacy is TOTALLY going to work if a male decides he wants to fuck you.

        These measures will of course only prevent date rape.

        dude, fuck off, “gossip” is one of the most sexist things you can say about womyn-womyn discussion.

        Not if I claim that men gossip just as much as women. (How does a woman get the reputation of being a slut, “easy” etc.: Men’s gossip.)

        also, you run the risk of triggering other survivors with ptsd with your bullshit public fucking.

        No sex in public because it can upset sensibilities? Queen Victoria would so agree with you!

        what the fuck does that even mean? do you really think that two womyns words are going to be taken seriously in a rape trial?

        I would have considered that pretty good damning evidence if I was on the jury!

      • These measures will of course only prevent date rape.

        Date rape is a synonym for acquaintance rape, not being raped while on a date. So unless a woman wants to permanently remove herself from knowing anyone with a penis, she is at risk. This means no male family members, no male friends, no male colleagues. Furthermore, the idea that women should be lesbian or celibate to prevent rape is victim blaming to the extreme, to say that she knew her risks and engaged in them anyways. Therefore, the rapist is not so much to blame.

      • A Shropshire Lad said:

        Date rape is a synonym for acquaintance rape, not being raped while on a date.

        Oh I didn’t know that. How misleading, these two terms should be used more discriminately.

    • It’s misleading, but not in that sense. My problem with it is that it trivializes the act. Like that’s not rape-rape, it’s just date rape. I think it should be re-named rape, and anything else is stranger rape. It’s also by far the more common crime, so it makes little sense to need a qualifier in front of it.

      • A Shropshire Lad said:

        Like that’s not rape-rape, it’s just date rape.

        I absolutely see your point, but I also think the term “date rape” can help to remind people (especially young girls) that it is actually possible to be raped on date. Just like “marital rape” is not a contradiction in terms any longer, neither is “date rape”.

  3. A Shropshire Lad said:

    Of course, just like putting on a condom can be made an exciting part of foreplay, so can the expressing of positive consent, with a cute do-you-really-want-me- girl? YES-I-DO, OK-then-show-me-how-much-you-want-me dialogue.

  4. Faithless said:

    I always get really anxious-feeling whenever I read men’s views on rape. I’ve come to the conclusion that (though they like to brag to their friends about how much pleasure they can give a woman) they are completely ignorant — or, probably more accurately, apathetic? — about female genital sentience? I mean, how does any rational person conclude that having something jammed into you would not hurt, especially if you don’t want it? Or that it wouldn’t be pyschologically scarring? Well, like you’ve said, I’m sure they’re aware, they just don’t give a fuck.

    I also never understand the fallacy in male supremacy — their thinking that they are so, so superior in every possible way to women, their whining that women “nag” them about being responsible, their conjectures that women are all mindless airheads — and then they turn around and imply that they’re too dumb to understand when they’re raping someone!!! Endlessly aggravating.

    I really like the parallels you’ve drawn to rape in the last couple of posts. I always talk about hit and runs when I talk about rape. Should the victim not have been standing so close to the curb? Should he or she have been wearing reflective clothing? Should they have ran out of the road to get away? They didn’t make it clear that they didn’t want to be hit, they just stood there in horror! Normally, I am told it’s a bullshit comparison, but I’m surrounded by misogynists, so that’s no surprise.

    • A Shropshire Lad said:

      I always get really anxious-feeling whenever I read men’s views on rape.

      That is probably because the only men who express views about rape are somewhat screwed-up and have serious problems with the 50 % of humanity that is made up of women. Coming to think of it, they probably have problems with the other half of humanity too!

      For normal, well-adjusted men, rape is probably something waaaay out there like a war zone, in which you kill the men, rape their women and enslave their children. Very hypothetical and not likely to have anything to do with what goes in in your bedroom.

      • Faithless said:

        I think I disagree, though. I know some real assholes and I know some guys who are seemingly the nicest people you’ll ever meet — and in both groups there exists rape culture and a general sense of entitlement deeply entrenched. I don’t think you can ever get away from rape culture; I don’t think any man living in society can be “normal” and “well-adjusted” when it’s been ingrained in him that he’s entitled to sex. Don’t get me wrong — I do think men know that it’s wrong, but I don’t think it’s possible to escape from it; to be entirely unaffected by it.

        “For normal, well-adjusted men, rape is probably something waaaay out there like a war zone, in which you kill the men, rape their women and enslave their children.”

        Rape does happen in war zones, absolutely, and I was just reading a great post along those lines on UP’s blog, but that statement is a little muddled to me, especially since most rapes are acquaintance rapes.

      • A Shropshire Lad said:

        I think I disagree, though. I know some real assholes and I know some guys who are seemingly the nicest people you’ll ever meet — and in both groups there exists rape culture and a general sense of entitlement deeply entrenched. I don’t think you can ever get away from rape culture; I don’t think any man living in society can be “normal” and “well-adjusted” when it’s been ingrained in him that he’s entitled to sex.

        Lol, entitled to sex, what a ridiculous notion on par with “entitled to a soulmate”, “entitled to get visits from random people when I’m old and in a nursing home” or “entitled to happyness”!

        Frankly it sounds like a Socialist concept to me: “From each according to her ability, to each according to his need”! Or even worse, National Socialism aka Nazism and the inmate-staffed brothels in the concentration camps!

      • A Shropshire Lad said:

        Rape does happen in war zones, absolutely, and I was just reading a great post along those lines on UP’s blog, but that statement is a little muddled to me, especially since most rapes are acquaintance rapes.

        Something is seriously wrong with those men who rape acquintances. They are not well-adjusted, something is seriously wrong with their socialization.

      • For normal, well-adjusted men, rape is probably something waaaay out there like a war zone, in which you kill the men, rape their women and enslave their children. Very hypothetical and not likely to have anything to do with what goes in in your bedroom.

        at first i thought you were just an arsehole, now i realise that you are just naive.

    • A Shropshire Lad said:

      I really like the parallels you’ve drawn to rape in the last couple of posts. I always talk about hit and runs when I talk about rape. Should the victim not have been standing so close to the curb? Should he or she have been wearing reflective clothing? Should they have ran out of the road to get away? They didn’t make it clear that they didn’t want to be hit, they just stood there in horror! Normally, I am told it’s a bullshit comparison, but I’m surrounded by misogynists, so that’s no surprise.

      I think Elkballet has an argument against your comparison in her post: “It’s not as though men are some unstoppable train of libido.” Here in Norway the law demands that in theory all drivers must be able to stop at any given distance, but in practice we know that there is very little a driver can do if he is going at a high speed and somebody suddenly throws themself out in front of the car. But in sex you can always stop at any given time.

      • Faithless said:

        I think you’re absolutely right, man. I can’t believe that didn’t click with me; of course everyone wants you to believe that after a certain point men just can’t stop, which is why women are blamed for “letting it get so far”. Excellent point.

      • A Shropshire Lad said:

        of course everyone wants you to believe that after a certain point men just can’t stop

        Of course if a couple was having unprotected sex and the woman suddenly realized she could become pregnant and screamed “RAPE, get out, you bastard!” just as the man, delirious with pleasure, was about to orgasm in her vagina, well in that case many men probably couldn’t stop, but that is a really extreme, hypothetical case.

    • A Shropshire Lad said:

      I mean, how does any rational person conclude that having something jammed into you would not hurt, especially if you don’t want it? Or that it wouldn’t be pyschologically scarring?

      Perhaps this shows a link between men’s rape fantasies and their bisexual fantasies? Men’s homosexual fantasies (who knows if they aren’t as common as men’s hetereosexual rape fantasies?) center heavily on dominance and the active/passive dichotomy. They are seldom about exploring the feeling of another man’s touch and body, but rather about worshipping a huge penis and making somebody his/being made someone’s “bitch” through painful anal intercourse.

      • Faithless said:

        Have also noticed this. Was at first amazed at the inconsistency between “I am a manly masculine man, I am not a faggot”, to, “Hey, dude, suck my cock,” or, “I’m gonna fuck you in the ass.” And then I got it. It’s not about sexuality. It’s about power, which is all sex can ever be about for the male who buys into masculinity and rape culture. Really disheartening stuff.

      • A Shropshire Lad said:

        It’s not about sexuality. It’s about power, which is all sex can ever be about for the male who buys into masculinity and rape culture. Really disheartening stuff.

        But notice also that men can have a rather playful concept of the active/passive dichotomy: By being able to say “Dude, your penis raping my ass felt fantastic, now let me do the same to you!” men perhaps don’t fully comprehend that women don’t have the same choice to jump back and forth between these roles as it suits them.

    • A Shropshire Lad said:

      Well, like you’ve said, I’m sure they’re aware, they just don’t give a fuck.

      Since I think bullying is the best metaphore of rape, we can ask: How many people actively care about bullying/rape as long as it’s not their kid who is being bullied/raped?

      • A Shropshire Lad said:

        Bullying is actually a very good metaphore in so far as the victims usually are encouraged to “stand up for themselves” in the face of somebody bigger and more powerful. In both cases shame and fear are a huge factor in why it’s not reported.

      • A Shropshire Lad said:

        And just like a rape victim can be conditioned to seek out sexual satisfaction from being abused, a victim of bullying may also easily slip into the survival mechanism of associating pleasure with being the passive victim.

      • can you stop comparing rape to every thing that isn’t fucking rape?

        it is really triggering and annoying.

  5. Faithless said:

    “Of course if a couple was having unprotected sex and the woman suddenly realized she could become pregnant and screamed “RAPE, get out, you bastard!” just as the man, delirious with pleasure, was about to orgasm in her vagina, well in that case many men probably couldn’t stop, but that is a really extreme, hypothetical case.”

    I’d wager this happens a LOT more than you’d think. And, *wouldn’t* stop. The physical “couldn’t” would be resulting from a mental “won’t”. Which is still rape, undeniably.

  6. A Shropshire Lad said:

    I’d wager this happens a LOT more than you’d think.

    Really, who are these people? Sounds surreal, like something out of the 19th century.

  7. Faithless said:

    Maybe it’s a cultural difference, man. You’re in Sweden? Norway? Sorry, I don’t remember where you said. I just know that, here, at least — and by here I mean the state in which I live, but probably in a great deal of America as well — men feel completely entitled to their wives or girlfriends vaginas *regardless of whether or not it will impregnate her*. Also, people do not actually consider that rape here. Marital rape, you know? I did a survey for a presentation once and there was not one person out of a hundred that considered the above scenario a violation of female bodily autonomy. It’s a real issue. Society as a whole is not that far out of the dark ages. Speaking of which, have you ever seen the Taken In Hand website? That’s who those people are. There’s a whole thread on forcibly impregnating your wife, I shit you not.

    • Yeah the entitlement is frightening. I just read this on a forum as a response to a woman who has to take a medication to save her life and it kills her sex drive. Her husband was being a dick and pressuring her really hard to have sex. Here’s a response:

      Not to sound cruel, but 90% of the time girls fake orgasms, so until the medication wears off, just fake your interest in sex.. Guys with low libido’s just cant have sex because they cant get hard, but opposed to you not getting wet (which is why they invented lube), you could just pretend to be interested once in a while until your off the meds.

      Appalling…

      • A Shropshire Lad said:

        Very strange. How the fuck can having sex with somebody who isn’t in the mood for it be better than jerking off on your own and then cuddling up to them?

    • A Shropshire Lad said:

      Maybe it’s a cultural difference, man. You’re in Sweden? Norway?

      Yes, I’m in Norway. It’s probably both due to cultural differences and me not moving very much in those trashy circles.

      This sentence especially draws the parallel between women’s and animal’s liberation.

      Good lord, what a scary analogy!

      Oh, my, my, those glimpses into “Taken in Hand” are indeed disturbing – and disturbingly close the violent rural peasant world of the 1860s described in Emile Zola’s “La terre” / “The Soil”, which I just finished and very much recommend.

      No doubt most of the men who espouse those ideas are some kind of psychopaths, but in order to give them some benefit of the doubt, I think some of their impregnation rape fantasies of nurturing milk cows are signs of what makes some (but certainly far from all) men pedophiles: Some paternal urge gone horribly, horribly wrong. Because there can be no denying that parenthood is deeply erotic. Those women who have experienced orgasms while breastfeeding can vouche for that on a very basic physical level. But as usually, men take a more detached view of things and blow them up into monstrous caricatures!

      • A Shropshire Lad said:

        Correction: I meant that what probably makes some pedophiles pedophiles is….

  8. Faithless said:

    Trigger warning for general hijacking of women’s bodily autonomy and a truly gross, unapologetic, and perverse sense of male entitlement: http://www.takeninhand.com/node/1401

    http://www.takeninhand.com/impregnation

    “My thirst is insatiable and sometimes think I treat her little better than a dairy cow, though she has no complaints.”

    This sentence especially draws the parallel between women’s and animal’s liberation. Must love Carol J. Adams.

    Disturbing shit. (And those are only two of the 6 pages worth of articles on that site JUST on pregnancy.)

    Elkballet — sorry about all the excessive comments on your blog; I feel like I’m spamming you! :s

    • A Shropshire Lad said:

      These Taken in Hand folks remind me of the Amish or other pre-industrial patriarchal socities. But for me that is the kind of society where men slaughter their own lifestock and the survival of an infant depends on how much milk its mother produces, in short a society where life is just a hot, steaming mix of sweat, rain, blood, milk, yeast, semen, seeds, soil and dung. Hard to imagine in a post-industrial world, although we still have some remnant rituals: The wine-blood and bread-flesh of the Eucharist and the “cum shot” of porn.

      Of course breastfeeding women are the ones who still are the most connected with this former world of flowing juices and raw power where you you slaughtered your livestock who were like family members, brought in the warm, steaming blood for your woman to make her hungry man and kids some tasty blood pancakes, so it’s perhaps no wonder that these men rave about lactating “cows”.

      • A Shropshire Lad said:

        Ah, and of course, I hazard the guess that many of the Taken in Hand males would cite this as the ultimate example of “Taken in Hand dynamics”:
        – Now, shut up woman and let me watch football. And bring me a cold beer.

        That would totally kill the mood for me. That is not a pre-industrial patriarch talking, but a little boy! Because Amish patriarchs don’t sit around watching football and gulping beer, they’re probably busy carving some wooden tool while the wife is busy knitting, around the blazing fire.

  9. Take for instance, a case study from The Guardian where a woman in a man’s dorm room continuously said she was tired and wanted to sleep. When the man became more aggressive, she lay down and pretended to sleep. He interpreted this as consent for sex, and had sex with her. She became so frightened for her safety that she continued to pretend she was asleep so as not to aggravate him and be hurt more severely. When she reported this, it was chalked up to bad communication and more or less dismissed. Why didn’t she yell no? Why didn’t she scream and thrash and kick and bite? He obviously would have stopped, right?

    Every time I read something like this, a little piece of rage in me grows. This has happened to me many, many times. Getting shitfaced at who you thought were your mates house and end up with a tampon on the pillow next to you and some shit-wranglers finger or dick inside you. Staying over at a friends house, getting stoned and passing out on the couch, waking up to discover this. Staying over at friends house, they try and fuck you, you say no, they pester, you pretend to fall asleep so they leave you the fuck alone and they still start fiddling. It is FUCKED how many MEN do this shit. I’ve honestly lost count of the number of times this has happened to me and this is why I a) avoid male friends at all costs, b) if i do have to spend time with a male, or through mutual friends etc, i NEVER sleep over, i will always go home out of fear for my own safety and sanity. I try not to think about it most of the time, but then i read shit like this and well uh you know… it all comes tumbling out.

    If men want to stop being accused of raping women, then they need to stop raping them

    It’s really that simple hey. It is actually VERY simple. If someone is sleeping, turn off the light, leave the room and close the door. Jesus fuck.

    Claiming she did not communicate her intentions clearer simply shows how blatant his disregard for her well-being is that he couldn’t be bothered to ask her if she wanted sex.

    ARGH *headdesk* yes, the only thing AT ALL that this womon communicated was a) her desire to NOT fuck and b) a desire to SLEEP. Her communication was perfectly clear IMHO.

    • A Shropshire Lad said:

      I am very sorry to hear about your experiences. But are you Australian? I have always had uncanny rape-ish-feelings about Australia. In my mind I have always equated Australia with male chauvinism.

      • You just don’t get it, do you?

        It’s nothing to do with nationality or national culture, as a hint.

      • A Shropshire Lad said:

        I am not a rapist. I’m Scandinavian.
        Julian Assange is most likely a rapist. He is Australian.
        He thought Scandinavian women could be raped just like Australian women. But he was in for a surprise….

      • A Shropshire Lad said:

        At the heart of Australian culture lies a rape, of an aboriginal people. I’ve seen “Picnic at Hanging Rock”. I found it very disturbing.

        Don’t be surprised if the people who think it’s their goddamn white privilege right to MOUNT Uluru also think it’s their goddamn right to mount women without their consent.

      • I didn’t say you were, but guilty conscious much? Arse-ange’s nationality has NOTHING to do with Jim being a rapist. The rape culture men have created is international. So Australian womyn can just be raped but Scandanavian womyn are somehow different? Fucking hell.

        Yes racist sexism is at the heart of WHITE Australian culture, but not all Australians are white.

        You still don’t fucking get it do you?

      • A Shropshire Lad said:

        So Australian womyn can just be raped but Scandanavian womyn are somehow different?

        The thing is, in Scandinavia more rape victims are believed and more rapists find that their actions have consequences.

      • A Shropshire Lad said:

        Remember that buying sex is illegal in Norway and Sweden and there are next to no, if any strip clubs here. Perhaps that’s one reason why we have less of a rape culture here.

      • Australia actually has more progressive rape laws than Sweden. Do your homework. And there is no evidence that strip clubs, porn etc encourage rape. Frankly “porn made me do it” is nothing but an excuse for rapists.

  10. A Shropshire Lad said:

    If I as a man wanted to see real, naked breasts here, locally and in real life (not online), I could not legally pay for it. I would have to wait for summer and go to a nude beach!

  11. FAB Libber said:

    Excellent post Elkballet. Many great points.
    If men are worried about going to jail over miscommunication, then they need to take responsibility for themselves and get their own clarification. If this supposed miscommunication has such terrible dire results for them, then they should take the lead for their own problems and just get the consent. It’s not that hard to just say, “Do you actually want to do this?” “Do you want to have sex?”
    It is so damn simple.

  12. […] who insist that ‘the victim did not communicate her “no” clearly enough’, when nine times out of ten, the victim would have […]

  13. […] interpret her 'No' as a 'Maybe' and from there to a 'Yes'. Rape culture is still going strong. Rape is not a miscomunication. __________________ My Cannabuddie | Who am I? Making my pharmaceutical decisions based on […]

  14. hawaiigirl said:

    i love your posts, you have really made me feel better as I was raped. I was really drunk and he wasnt. I didnt said no but i didnt say yes either. i said i was tired, i tried to sleep on the couch and pretend that i had fallen asleep immediately but he kept going and i was scared and confused, especially because he was a friend, i was alone at his house, and he was my ride, and i just gave in. i hated it and hated myself. i couldnt understand why i didnt do more to fight for myself. I tried to go to the cops but they said you shouldve said no, then youd have a case, and he probably didnt know he was doing wrong because you didnt make it clear enough, therefore, because he was unaware of his wrong-doings it was ok for him to do it. the way the police reacted really crushed me and made me feel like everything was my fault and i had asked for it by not saying no. he never asked me and i was shaking the whole time and he kept telling me just relax like he was trying to make himself feel better for doing it. He even said stuff like “i feel like i date rape drugged you into this” and he held my arms up above my head so i couldnt move them and said “you dont have to do anything, just lay there, i already feel bad for doing this”. the cops said that wasn’t even enough and it upset me because they dont understand how hard it can actually be to straight out say no, especially when youre drunk, confused, and its a friend, someone you thought you could trust. the way the cops made me feel made me think that i had just filed a false rape report.

    anyway, i just wanted to say i’m so glad i stumbled across this blog and know i have support and people who understand. i was really in a bad spot in my life and felt horrible about myself and ready to give up on everything. thank you for standing up for women’s rights and saving me.

    • I’m very glad to have helped but I’m so sorry you were treated that horribly by the police. That’s appalling and no one should have to go through that. I hope you are able to get good support from your friends.

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